John Wayne Bobbitt Seeks Money, New Penis

Baltimore, Maryland:

  It's been a little over 18 years since Bobbitt (Penis-less) had his miniscule dork chopped off by his free wheeling, manic, ex-wife Lorena. Modern medicine  told us that a prick laying in traffic can be surgically repaired and re-attached.  Bobbitt, after 18 years, tells us he hasn't had a real wiener since that fateful night. "It really has been a struggle" recalls Bobbitt, sitting by the pool at his home in Baltimore. " My cock used to work overtime, it'd be up at the crack of dawn, and go all day. Sometimes working 60-70 hours a week".
  Bobbitt appeared in an adult film entitled The Man with the Golden Penis, showing off his mutilated manly-hood. But soon after, the problems began. It started after a hard night of drinking, Bobbitt went into a urinal at Tony Orlando's House of Pancakes, and when he started to pee, "it sprayed everywhere". Bobbitt sheds some light on his troubles, "It's really hard to talk about, but I've been pissing in an inclosure for the better part of the last 18 years." This inclosure that Bobbitt is talking about is a urine coated piece of aluminum he has fashioned around the bowl of his toilet all the way to the ceiling. He visited with the Doctor that performed the surgery, Dr. Galen Hall. "Hall told me I was being too rough with it, but I really wasn't. I was just trying to utilize my penis as an instrument of waste".
  Bobbit was told in the earliest stages to take it easy and he says he did just that. "But, after a year or so, you get pretty curious". At first, he started stretching it out, and handling it with more vigor. "I would stretch it, stretch it, and stretch it, than it became more malleable", remembers Bobbitt, "Pretty soon after that I'd pluck it, like a bass, and in a short time, I was able to achieve tones from it. Than I realized I could play songs. The first song I learned was the theme from Barney Miller".
  After all this time Bobbitt says he can't live like this. "My penis has been a running joke for years now. And it's about time I get a new one". His lawyer, C. Thomas Howell III has brought a multi million dollar malpractice suit to the steps of Our Sister of Convulsions Hospital and Therapeutic Dream Center and Dr. Galen Hall. Bobbitt is seeking 4.67 million dollars and a brand new, 8 inch penis. "It's just time. I've lived with the shame, and it's not about the money as much as it's about the penis", Bobbitt's eyes begin to fill up. "I dream of a day when my crank gets up like it used to, and I don't have to sit to piss".

Suzanne Somers signs on to play Mickey Rourke in biopic

Hollywood, California:

  Mega producer Joel Silver (Cambodian), who's credited with such blockbuster hits as Tiny Vampires and Big Ole Exploding Town has announced he'll be teaming with director of crap maestro Micheal Bay for the Mickey Rourke biopic. The film is a departure for Bay, and will star Suzanne Somers as Mickey Rourke.
  Somers spoke to Death Blow at the Hollywood Gala for Franz Klammer, a lifetime achievement award for Klammer's accomplishments in film and television. Somers, who hasn't acted since 2001 when she starred in the Oscar nominated Dances with Wolves 2: Indian Space Aliens, says playing Rourke will be a "great artistic challenge, and not because I'm a woman playing a man".
  The biopic, entitled Sledgehammer Heart, will focus primarily on the period when Rourke was boxing. In doing research for the role, Somers said she found out that "Mickey was a real tiger, trapped inside a lion, looking down at a flower". She visited family friends, colleagues, and plastic surgeons whom Rourke knew well. "Mickey is a complicated man, and to really do that justice, I had to read a lot of books and stuff", Somers said as she signed autographs and posed for pictures, "I found that reading really requires all of your attention".
  Joining the cast are Joyce DeWitt and Richard Kline, both worked with Somers on Three's Company. DeWitt will play Rourke's ex wife Carrie Otis, and Kline will play Father Pete, a Catholic priest Rourke credited with his comeback. "This is a terrific opportunity to show the world the real Mickey Rourke" director Bay told us, "and judging from the rehearsals, Suzanne has a chance at an Oscar".

Ben Roethlisberger wants to be positive role model

Dallas, Texas:

      As the hype builds 4 days before Super Bowl XLV, Steeler quarterback  Ben Roethlisberger told the media that he believes he can be a positive role model for children. After 2 separate sexual assault allegations, for both of which he was acquitted, Roethlisberger tells Death Blow that he is ready to be a positive force in the lives of children.
  "I want to show people I've changed" Big Ben said in an extended conversation at Mallory's Big Hat, a local watering hole in the Dallas area. "I used to go to a bar, throw back 5 or 6 Long Island's, and than I'd do the meet and greet thing, rubbing my hard cock on women's thighs as we posed for pictures", Roethlisberger said as he stared down a hostess, "but now, I just drink beer".
  The quarterback, who was wearing a shirt that said "drink like a champion" on it, disappeared into the bathroom for 20 minutes only to return with a big smile. "People think it's easy being a drunk, all pro, millionaire quarterback who has won 2 Super Bowls and plays a game for a living," Roethlisberger said as he switched from beer to straight vodka, "but I think back to when I was in high school, when raping and pillaging wasn't frowned on at all, it was just sort of the norm. Now I have to be really careful when I'm out, cheating on my wife in various cities".
 When asked what he would be doing that would inspire children to be a positive force in the world, Roethlisberger said, "Well, I'd like to show the kids the in and outs of groping strangers in a non creepy way. Before I utilized brute strength to get my way, now I just sort of physically coerce their hand into my pants. It's really not assault, it's more like a forced handshake with my cock". The Steelers are 2.5 point underdogs for Sunday's game against the Green Bay Packers.

Taco Bell introduces new DWI window

Albuquerque, New Mexico:

     Taco Bell, the nation's finest Mexican fast food restaurant has begun to install a variety of changes, citing the economy and terrorism as "major contributors in our decisions". Among the changes, they've adjusted the drive thru to two lanes, one being a "DWI window" (pictured above). "The DWI window is accessed by people operating their vehicles at or above .15  on the easy to use breathalyzer that's been  installed in front of the menu screen", Taco Bell president Greg Creed said as he watched a truckload of underage drinkers approaching the DWI window, "We made it simple for our customers".
  The enhanced menu also has added quick meals designed for the hammered and on the go. "People want good, quick food when they've been out boozing", Creed tells Death Blow, "so we've come up with a solution". The "Drunken Stupor" value menu features items like the Burro El Topo, (2 handful's of crushed up Lucky Charms) and the Chupar Be Eista, (chopped up two day old calzone). "This is all just the beginning" continues Creed as he locks a cashier in the bathroom, "we can see the future, and although it's a little out of focus, we can see the past".
   Taco Bell continues to innovate in the ultra competitive fast food market. They were the first to hire illegal aliens. They were the first to position children in areas of supervision. And they are the first to accommodate drunks openly. "Drunks, homeless people, white trash, this has been the backbone of Taco Bell and will remain the backbone of Taco Bell",  Creed insists as he belittles a cook who is having a tough day, "our brand is one of ingenuity, intolerance and a splash of self hatred. We believe those three principles will guide us through the next century".

Keira Knightley newly single, opens the door for Walker

Hollywood, California:

     Keira Knightley, the beautiful English actress known for terrible roles in films like Pirates of the Caribbean 1,2 and 3, has called off her engagement to fellow British actor Rupert Friend after 5 years together. "The last couple of years in particular, things had gotten a lot more difficult", Knightley told Death Blow by phone as she relaxed in between takes of Exploding Robots, the latest action adventure from Jerry Bruckheimer. "Rupert had gotten very jealous over my incessant infidelity".      
    Knightley (25) has been seen around town with Medtronic little big man "Irish" Ben Walker. Walker, who has been known to stalk and over power women whom he becomes infatuated with, hung outside of Knightley's Hollywood Hills home for 2 weeks. "I did a lot of soul searching",  Walker said as he began to creepily stare down 2 small Lebanese women, "and I slipped Keira some Ruffies and locked her in a closet until she agreed to marry me". Knightley insists they are "taking it slow", but also admits Walker's "power and sexual bravado are substantial".
   When asked about Walker compared to Friend, she responded "In the bedroom Rupert was like my brother, while Ben  is more like my mother".  Ben Walker is infamous for stuffing a banana in his shorts before any big meeting. He also likes burning bridges and the music of Suzanna Hoffs. When asked to speculate on their future together, Knightley laughed and said, " I can see us having children one day, only they'd be very little." Ben Walker is 34 years old and stands 5'0" tall.